Friday 3 May 2013

Mamma Mia

Mother's Day is just over a week away.  This means that after yet another 12 months of parenthood I know that I have a lot more to apologize for.  Not only do I have my own infant/toddler antics to repent for, I have strife caused by my progeny to add to this list. 


The Third Member of our "Wolf Pack", she likes to play by her own rules


Dear Mom,

I'm SO SORRY:
  • For all of the things I made you miss when I was sick, including that trip to Hawaii when I had the measles.
  • For throwing up on you, repeatedly.  I had weeks this year where the vomit on mom count broke double digits.
  • About anything that you ever had to throw out because I threw up on it and made it smell terrible permanently.
  • That Jack smashed the candle holder chachkie (that our family called a pookie) you've had in your living room since I was his age.
  • That after searching on line for a replacement "pookie" I made a point of letting you know what I found on line when I tried to buy a pookie*.
  • For any jewelry I forcibly tore off of you're body and in turn destroyed.
  • I pretended to be upset when you left me with a babysitter to get a reaction/guilt you and then immediately calmed down the moment you were out of sight.
  • For scratching, hitting, biting, and clawing you.
  • About any time I waited until I had a fresh diaper to take a dump.
  • If I had any fascination with grabbing at my feces while you attempted to change my diaper.**
  • For getting angry any time you didn't take my tantrums seriously.***
  • Sleepless nights
  • Getting you sick when I got sick.
  • My kids get you sick when you help me out, so I can keep a job and a life.
  • For crying, ranting and raving on the phone and in person about how insane my children are, even though I know that they're just like me.

P.S. I'm still not sorry for wearing black lipstick as a teenager.

To see last year's apology blog click here

*Urban definitions of a pookie: 1) Soaking tampons in alcohol and inserting them, either vaginally or rectally, in order to get drunk, 2) or a pipe used to smoke methamphetamine
**Bonus, additional apologies if you were just about to go out anywhere when I did this.
***Because come on, toddler tantrums are ridiculous and hilarious.
 

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