Yesterday afternoon my friend sent me an article from the Toronto Star about a pair of deranged hippies who want to give birth to their first child, in water, with the assistance of dolphins. I know what you're thinking, the dolphins will hardly know them. Don't worry, the family plan on spending a great deal of time in the water forming a bond with the dolphin pod before delivering their child.**
Jack says, "Keep those dolphins away from me!"
As for you dolphin lovers, I hear you. Dolphins like to play games and they're so smart. They are the unicorns of the sea (or is that narwhals?). They're awesome when they're on TV and at a distance from the safety of a boat or a shore line. They're also wild animals. I did a bit of research and found out that dolphins can be pretty big jerks (essentially they are horny, misogynistic, rapey, sexually transmitted disease filled creatures who "don't mind" having sex with humans and kill the offspring of their own and other species for poops and giggles).
Sometimes a midwife will recommend that you lock up your cat or dog during a home birth because the stress of labour can cause them to freak out and attack. My husband and a mid-wife could probably fight off our 13lb cat. Bottle-nosed dolphins can weigh up to 200KG. What's Hippy Dad going to do when a pod of them decides that they're feeling randy?*** Get gang banged by a bunch of dolphins, that's what.
If you love dolphins so much, why not you name your kid Fin (instead of their name choice, Bodhi) and go on a trip to see dolphins instead of playing out Darwin's Selection Theory? What happens if little Bodhi and mom survive? Are they going to hire a pack of wolves as caregivers? Select Gary Busey and Lindsay Lohan to act as poor little Bodhi's spiritual advisors?
Just because you did well on your knife skills course, it doesn't mean I'm going to let you perform my C-section for me. I'll admit it, dolphins are pretty cool, just keep them away from my bajingo. My birth plan will never involve acquiring an STI from a dolphin.
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*If you want to eat your placenta in a milkshake, go ahead and do it, just don't do it in front of me or post a picture of it on Facebook because I might throw up a little bit.
** Doula, Dolphin, potato, po-tat-oh. Maybe they're just really bad at reading and don't understand?
***I'm pretty sure you'd need to hire at least one, maybe two other people to help you fight off a pack of horny dolphins.