Thursday, 5 May 2016

So Sorry, Happy Mother's Day

I can't believe that it's that time of year again. In just a few days it will be Mother's Day.  In annual tradition, today I look back on the year that has passed and apologize to my own mom for "crimes" that I most likely violated when I was four years old based on my own motherhood experiences this year.  Deep breath, here it goes....

Molly & Jack at the park


Dearest Mom,

I'm so incredibly sorry for...


  • Creating an imaginary friend that is responsible for all wrong-doing, tall tales, and anything I might get in trouble for
  • Spraying 1/3 of a new bottle of your perfume into the toilet after I poop
  • Throwing the most epic tantrums in front of parents you know, are trying to befriend, or make play date arrangements for me with
  • Hiding my snow pants so I didn't have to wear them for two months until my teacher sent you a note asking why I don't own snow pants.   After said snow pants have been recovered, hiding them again until a janitor finds them and donates them to charity because, clearly, they don't belong to anyone
  • Opening up all of my litterless lunch containers, but eating very little of my actual lunch so there is soggy, brown, banana mush on everything by the time I get home
  • Painting the sink with toothpaste to "make it pretty" and then freaking out when you clean (aka destroy) my art
  • Crying that my leg hurts whenever I get in trouble for being mean to my brother
  • Trying to pee in the vents because I wanted to see what happened
  • Yelling "YOU ARE EMBARRASSING ME!" at the top of my lungs after you've asked me to settle down and just walk to the car
  • Refusing to try a new food, just because
  • Nightmares about ridiculous things (like ducks with teeth) that wake up everyone in the house,  for multiple nights in a row
  • Pouring all of your body wash into my bath to make it "sudsy"
  • Timing all of my sicknesses for the few and far between times you have personal appointments, which you then had to reschedule three times in a row
  • Refusing to go to the bathroom before we go out, and then immediately demanding to go/ peeing my pants
  • Insisting on wearing, and then breaking or losing, your necklaces
  • Announcing (loudly) that you have "drunk eyes" in front of other parents at pick-up
  • Crying about random things, like when you explain that humans are animals because you don't want it to be true
  • Honking your breasts in public and announcing, "I grabbed your boobs"
  • Dozens of other unlisted "incidents"

P.S. Still not sorry for the black lipstick I wore as a teenager

P.P.S I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world!

To see the first ever apology note click here

To see the 2015 apology note click here

To see the 2014 apology note click here

To see the 2013 apology note click here


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